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Understanding Dementia Behaviors ~ Dementia and the Big Apple?

In the early 1980’s, I was a young and inexperienced nurse’s aide. I quickly learned how to react and respond to common dementia behaviors. 

Unfortunately, caregivers didn’t have the luxury of time or resources for help. There was no internet. Learning how to handle dangerous or aggressive behaviors like yelling, hitting, kicking, throwing objects, and wandering in the street was a skill that came with on the job experience. 

Common Behaviors

An older adult with dementia may experience any or all of the challenging behaviors associated with their disease: Anger, aggression, disinterest, paranoia, mood swings, wandering, pacing, restlessness, verbal abuse, and communication problems. Understanding that these are common behaviors of dementia can better prepare and help caregivers cope. 

Behaviors usually seem to come out of nowhere. You might be folding laundry or watching TV when suddenly you have a finger in your face while being called names and accused of stealing a purse. 











Common  Behaviors

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Rummaging, rearranging
  • Paranoia, suspicion
  • Wandering, pacing
  • Hoarding
  • Poor grooming, dressing, hygiene
  • Repetitive behaviors such as tapping, tearing and words
  • Outbursts-emotional, verbal, physical, aggression
  • Refusal to eat
  • Isolation
  • Eating non-food items
  • Inappropriate social behaviors such as undressing in public, inappropriate conversation with others
  • Sexually inappropriate behaviors

What is going on?

Remember the behavior has been triggered by something very real to the person; try not to take offense at the things he or she says or does. Your role is to deal appropriately with the symptoms of brain disease. 

I trust my instincts and think about the possible reasons why the person is agitated—is she hungry, thirsty, tired, afraid, cold, in pain, bored? Does he need to use the toilet or want his shoes off or wish to go for a walk?

Considering all the options helps me take the next step in solving the problem.  

Detective Work

A caregiver needs to be a good detective and a quick problem-solver. You must read the verbal and physical signs being used, then meet the person in their reality to successfully redirect them and or defuse a situation.

I suggest you always stand ready to react. If necessary–step back so you don’t get spit on or remove an object so it can’t be used to injure anyone.

Be continually aware of your environment. Know where doors, other people, furniture, pets, etc. are located because you don’t want the person to hurt themselves, you or others. 

Take a deep breath, look the person directly in the eyes and speak calmly. Don’t try to argue with them. Don’t talk in a condescending tone. Validate his/her feelings by allowing him/her to talk. Listen to what the person is saying and respond respectfully. 

Generally, being quiet and calm works best. Redirect the person by using the solution you’ve come up with–turning on their favorite music, getting them a drink, removing shoes, going for a walk, or do whatever it is they need you to take care of. 

Situation handled.

To Tell the Truth or Not?

From the time we learn to walk and talk, we are taught to tell the truth. But in order to redirect attention or stop a possible argument in a person with dementia, it may be necessary, at times to use therapeutic fibbing. In other words you tell a white lie to avoid making the agitation, paranoia, fear, depression much worse. 

This is not a “go to” solution. Be honest as much as possible.

Nurse’s aides in the 1970-80’s were not trained the way they are today. We didn’t even have to be certified. I had one day of shadowing another worker, then was on my own. 

Elsie and the Big Apple

In 1981, while training at a new job one morning, my trainer and I were getting residents up for breakfast. I had to stand in the doorway for a couple of minutes for my eyes to adjust to the total darkness in one room. A tiny woman was propped up in bed. She was squinting and pointing at me and yelling, “Get out! Get out! What the hell are you?! Lieutenant Colonel Ralph’s coming to get you!”

Wow, and a good morning to you my fine lady.  

Okay, she wanted me to leave. She put me down. And threatened me. For a split second, I thought of a few choice comebacks. It’s human nature to feel defensive when someone is offensive, right? But I simply said, “Elsie, don’t you recognize me?” 

She leaned forward and squinted some more. I held my ground, waiting, not even sure where the question had come from or why I had asked it. I was out on a limb, but didn’t know what else to do. 

After a long string of rude names and threats, Elsie finally shook her head, “Is it really you?”

“Yes, it’s me!” I smiled and walked closer. 

At this point, I wasn’t sure what would come next. But she giggled and clapped, pronouncing: “My long-lost cousin from the Big Apple!”

“Yep!” I answered without even thinking. Well, I was in it now. 

My trainer guffawed. And I almost did too. Instead I gave Elsie hugs and kisses.

From then on, we were fabulous friends–the hellian duo! 

Why I lied…

Elsie’s behaviors were difficult to say the least. She fought whenever she needed a shower, shampoo, or to use the toilet. She threw objects, spit out her food, used foul language, scratched, bit, kicked, and accused people of torturing her. 

I know it’s because she hated depending on others to do her intimate cares. Elsie was very lonely and scared. She also had continual pain in the leg she’d broken as a teenager while skating on Lake Erie with Sonia Henie the Norwegian Olympic winner and film star. (Actually, she had a bike accident in Idaho, but I never corrected her about those little details :D). 

Elsie complained about the “pig slop” (food) and many other things when I helped her.  But I could get her to laugh and reminisce about “the swell times we had together in the Big Apple”. 

Elsie told anyone who would listen that I was her cousin. She was quite proud of me!

Lieutenant Colonel Ralph was the son Elsie adored and threatened staff with. None of us had ever seen or spoken to a Ralph, so assumed he was as fake as the Sonia Henie story. We’d simply nod or ignore her when she’d yell “he’ll throw you in the brig!” 

But the day a man came to visit Elsie more than a few jaws dropped to the floor. He was middle-aged, bald, and stern-looking. And was dressed in an immaculate Lieutenant Colonel uniform!


As Elsie beamed, I realized the jig was up. Either I was gonna get fired or sent to the brig or both, but for Elsie’s sake–because I didn’t want her to feel tricked–I had to talk to “cousin Ralph” so he wouldn’t blow it.

I quietly explained that Elsie would let me help her with showers and toileting and eating because I was her long-lost cousin from the Big Apple. Lucky for me, the guy had a wonderful sense of humor and could see how excited his mom was to tell him I’d come home. He was awesome–welcomed me back from NYC with a big bear hug! 

Take Home

Was I dishonest with Elsie? Yes. But did I fib to hurt her? No. I calmed her and made her laugh, I went to her reality. We connected and bonded. She never knew my name, but recognized me as a safe person. And I truly loved her. She felt that. 

Elsie seemed happy when we were together despite her discomfort, depression, anger, confusion, and paranoia. I have to believe I did what was best at the time. I’ll never know for sure. But the words that came out of my mouth that morning worked for us. 

Thankfully, in recent years, the internet and specialized training have improved the information we receive about dementia. Caregivers don’t have to guess as much, although there is no playbook or cure-all. Each person has a unique personality, memories, interests, preferences, and perspectives. But resources, services and supports that are available to help each of us provide kind and respectful care have made our jobs much easier. And very rewarding. 

Please leave comments, questions, suggestions, requests, experiences below. I’d love to hear your stories…

Good luck in your journey!

All my Best,








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  1. MrBiizyMrBiizy

    Oh myyy… I had an awesome experience reading through this piece on dementia behaviours with big smile on my face as read through and especially your encounter with Elsie. I’d say you are such a genius to have been able to play along and cope with her and even brought some kinda peace in her life plus her son has a good sense of humour.

    These dementia behaviours could cause damages and hurts (both physical hurt and even the client if not properly handled) so I find your tips and experience useful in coping with dementia behaviours. As always, you have done well ma’am.

  2. Shanta RahmanShanta Rahman

    Many thanks to you for giving us such a beautiful article and I have learned through you some wonderful information that will be of great use in my life. You have described very well in your article how to serve a mentally sick man and how to help him.And it could be an older man or maybe a middle-aged man. But if we want to serve them, I will face many challenges .We need to understand how to talk to them and they will be happy, You wrote very well how to feed them and how to tell them to go to sleep and how to talk to them. And I hope that after reading your article many people will learn a lot about this and how to deal with situations like this.

  3. AlblueAlblue

    Hi Tamara, thanks for sharing your story. This reminds me about my friend. As the youngest son, he was tasked to take care of his grandma, who had dementia. I remember about the lies he had to make in order to calm the grandma, such as when he pretend to be her husband. It’s a sad story, but his grandma has finally passed away in peace. I agree with you. Thanks to the technology, we can search for the information we needed easier. 

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